Often lately, I worry I am becoming colder as I grow older. It seems these last few years I am choosing to make choices and decisions based on what might be good for me. And to be clear, that isn’t something I am used to doing and therefore it’s pretty uncomfortable.
Most of my life I based my actions on how they would affect someone else, ignoring how they would make me feel. The thing is, I honestly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I was proud of the skillset I mastered as a little girl. As an adult, I’m ashamed to say I’ve even judged others for being selfish and focusing on their own needs. Turns out it was me who was in the wrong.
As a young child I was a rule follower hoping to please my parents. I was the mediator when my mother and father divorced. I helped care for my younger sister when our hard-working mom raised us pretty much on her own. I worked two and three jobs to help pay my way through college. Those younger years created a human who understood hard work, abiding by the rules and caring for others meant success. I am not angry about any of this. More like proud.
But as I grew up, my decision-making skillset did not. I was an adult people pleaser extremely proud to be such an unselfish person. I was baffled how others made choices driven by what was good for them. I wondered how they could look themselves in the mirror at the end of the day.
Years passed and I became a teacher, wife and mother. Three roles I dreamt of my entire life. Seriously, my entire life groomed me for them. Caregiving, mediating and hardworking are imperative to be successful at each of those roles, let alone life. Millions of decisions were made for the good of all those I loved before I even thought of myself.
So, was I born a caregiver or groomed to be one? I guess I’ll never know, but I do know it’s my niche. It is a natural fit and one I believe I excel at. That was until my teaching career ended, our children grew up and I was left standing with a vast amount of unscheduled time on my hands. No pick-ups, drop-offs or waiting times. No family dinners to plan, shop and cook for every single night. Hours of quiet time, just me and my thoughts. This “freedom’ if you will, left me feeling sort of purposeless. I was accustomed to making my decisions for people who were no longer a part of my daily “unselfish” lifestyle. I wouldn’t say I was exactly unhappy, but for sure I was uncomfortable.
I filled this “newfound” time with home renovations, gardening and blogging. All activities I rarely prioritized with the little “free” time I found. Though I loved all those activities, I always had a nagging guilt I was being selfish. It eased with knowing the improvements were beautifying and increasing our family’s home value. I believed my blog helped readers with its humor, candor or tidbits on how I do life. If at the end of the day I saw proof I did something positive for others, only then would I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.
But somewhere along the way, I began listening to my restless heart. What was she so patiently yearning for? What had she been wanting to do for so long now? And there in the quiet corner of my heart was a thing. A crazy notion she’d been protecting for 56 years. A life hope that meant facing fears and dedicated time. The time was now.
When I was four years old I almost drowned. My little hands slipped off the pools edge and I went under. My mom dove into the shallow end and reached me before the lifeguard. They performed CPR and I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Ever since I‘ve been anxious in all bodies of water. All my life I’ve never faced the water in a shower and hardly washed my face. Truth.
And this brings me back to the very beginning. These days I base so many of my decisions on what I need, desire and dream because the time to care for me is now. It’s a healthy living I proudly practice for my grown children to witness. Wait, nope, actually, it’s because it’s what’s most important for me.
Moral: Habits are hard to change but not impossible. It just takes time.
The rest of the story: After the many obstacles placed in my way, I found myself a swim coach. What started out with crying in the locker room with fear is now crying with pure prideful joy. I have a sense of confidence like never before. My last lesson I swam freestyle the entire length of an Olympic-sized pool. I’ve even invested in facial cleansers and enjoy facing the shower nozzle too. But perhaps best of all, I’ve realized I’m not becoming self-ish by prioritizing my happiness and well being, just practicing self-care.
A little thing I also do: I practice saying no. Yeah, you read that right. I look in the mirror and practice all kinds of honest and genuine no’s. See, I was also a yes girl. No more. Try it. It takes some practice but I know firsthand you’ll get the hang of it.