Hello friends, like you, we are in the thick of the holiday season, the season of giving. In keeping with that spirit, I am giving you a gift. It’s not the traditional wrapped up kind with a bow and ribbon, but it’s just as precious. It’s a very important lesson I worked hard on this past year. My hope is it will make your world a softer place.
Before gifting you, I must share a bit of backstory. All my life I have suffered from Truster Syndrome. Simply put, I prefer to trust people. I inevitably default to believing a person actively chooses to be kind, decent and honest. I think the best of people and often give second chances—sometimes third ones, too. It feels best for me to live a life of believing in people and building relationships.
Truster Syndrome; a set of emotions, opinions, or ways of behaving that are characteristic in believing in the goodness of people
As someone who struggles with Truster Syndrome, I refuse to live in fear of all people because few are bad. Of all the apples I have ever eaten in my lifetime, 99% I have either loved, liked, appreciated or respected. You could say I am an apple fan. But, of course, there’s always that one percent, and I share them with the backyard animals. Though I may not appreciate those particular apples, the animals delight in them. My point is, I refuse to give up eating apples because of those few icky ones. The same applies to people.
All the dirty details of the event that catapulted me to write this very blog are mostly unimportant. But it follows the same blueprint. A person I know mistook my kind and friendly disposition for someone they could take advantage of. Above all, they demonstrated a complete disregard for me as a fellow human and my feelings. Under the guise of concerned conversation or friendship I was “had.” I bit the cheese. I took the bait.
But so as not to keep you guessing, this particular case involved a “friendly neighbor” who eagerly discussed the frustrating and upsetting troubles we were made to go through the past year to rebuild our dock. Yep, you guessed it, a few days ago as the workers were making a few of the necessary changes in the freezing rain to meet our looming deadline, she stated proudly to them, “I’m the one who made the call that started this whole mess for them in the first place.”
All my life, until now, I always felt “taking the bait” equated to my failure. Since I let my guard down, I was made a fool of. For as long as I can remember, I have beaten myself up emotionally for these many happenings. I always felt I must have done something wrong, therefore it was my fault and I owned the blame. I’ve carried these heavy feelings with me all my life, until recently.
This most recent time, and for the first time, I handled it entirely differently. After the first rush of shock and dismay then came the self-loathing right on cue. “How could I not have seen this coming?" “What is wrong with me?” “You fool!” But then positive self-talk and conversations with some of my nearest and dearest people took over. I was able to redirect the disappointment I was feeling towards myself and focus it on the perp. So although I am still disappointed, they made the conscious decision to hurt me. It ultimately was their choice, not mine. Therefore, it becomes their burden to carry and not mine.
Redirected disappointment was great and all, but I also do not want to be that angry individual who pouts, moans and complains. After a day, my anger melted into pity for the person who took advantage of me. It’s a shame for them to miss out on my friendship. But truth be told, I would never want to be friends with someone who tricked, or took advantage of people. I often wonder what awfulness happened to them that caused them to live that way. And then quickly reminded how very lucky I am to live the life I do, the way I do.
So, I shall embrace Truster’s Syndrome, continue trusting people and be ever so grateful I have finally learned how to manage the feelings I get when life hands me a bad apple.
Moral: It’s the bad apples that make it easy to spot the great ones!
A little thing I leave you with: Yes I have been hurt, fooled and taken advantage of. I believed in people who let me and my heart down. I placed faith and trust in people who didn’t deserve it. But in the vast scheme of things, the friends I have found in my lifetime are a part of my life I not only treasure most, but am most proud of. I have the most diverse collection of humans who are smart, kind, generous, supportive, honest and there for me, even if I live far away. Imagine the shame of having missed all that wonderfulness because of a few unworthy ones.
Wishing everyone the happiest holidays and brightest New Year,
