Oh I wonder

At 52 years of age I am still trying to figure me out. I remember thinking by the time I hit my fifties there would be almost nothing I did not comprehend. I mean afterall, I’ve had 50 years to figure it out. Isn’t this the time in my life Oprah referred to as the “I finally get it” age? Yet, here I am still baffled by my own self--still.

Why is it when I am lost, I inevitably drive faster? Is it because I think the faster I drive the quicker I will no longer be lost?

Why do I get so incredibly angry at myself when I get sick? I might as well be walking around with a big “FAILURE” sign taped to my forehead!

Why do I spend months researching a project, weeks locating just the right materials at the perfect cost and then cannot find a few hours to tie up all the loose ends to finish the job?

Why do I eat like a bird all day long, but then eat like an animal at night? Is it because I think it is dark and so no one can see me? Or that I am rewarding myself? WHAT?!

Why must I travel miles out of my way to spend 2 cents less for a gallon for gas? Anyone can see I spend far more on the extra distance than on savings!

Why can’t I yet successfully food shop for an entire week without always needing to swing by the supermarket for a forgotten item or two or three?

How is it I have a jam-packed gift closet, but never seem to have the right gift for the right person?

Why do I treat myself so poorly, but wouldn’t consider treating others close to that same way?

Why do I love to be alone, but am such a people person?

Why am I so disgruntled when the car in front of me let’s a waiting car merge in when I was planning on being that person?

Why must I always wait until the last possible minute to finish a task and then with a few minutes left just throw caution to the wind and altogether stop trying? Is it because if I give up then I think I won’t feel like I’ve failed?

Why do I carefully select and purchase eye creams to diminish puffiness and wrinkles, but then fail to put them on every single night? That’s sure to help the issue!

Why do I still believe I can drink a cup of coffee after 3 p.m. and not be affected by it … every single time?

But the biggest mystery about me is my tendency to inevitably clam up when something sad occurs in my life. The moment my heart feels sadness it sounds off an ALARM! The severity of the sadness determines the number of barriers I put in place. I liken this shutting down process to a weekly TV detective show I enjoyed as a young child called “Get Smart.” Each week the show began with the bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart proceeding through a secret passage to get to his office. It’s a series of … oh hell, cue the clip since the visual is far better than any word description I might come up with!

Anyway, that’s just what I do--literally close my doors. I let most of my calls go to voicemail. I prefer responding to requests via text or email. My goal is to avoid the inevitable questions heading my way regarding said sadness from people who care. Good, bad or ugly it’s both me and baffling!

Moral: Acceptance is the first step towards change.

Your struggling 52-year-old friend,

Another little thing about me: Why is it for the second room renovation in two years the items that actually inspired me in the first place are not part of either finished project? Ironically, the inspiration for both my kitchen and half bathroom were a pair of antique metal door hinges. I guess I’ll just hold onto them and see what they inspire me to do next!

 I finally managed to tie up almost every single loose end and could not love it any more!

I finally managed to tie up almost every single loose end and could not love it any more!