Regardless of whether it comes as a shock or felt imminent for sometime … it begins to creep in like a fog. I try to push it away, out of my mind and silence this darkness. I make deals. I think happy rainbow thoughts. I come up with scenarios that will miraculously turn my frown upside down. I begin to question everything? I busy myself with tedious, mundane projects to occupy myself and feel in control of something, anything. But the fog still rolls in. It slowly and methodically envelops everything in its path with a coat of gray.
I am referring to losing a game but of course I am well aware that my words could very easily be referencing so many other things in life. When I re-read this first paragraph it immediately reminded me of a life-altering time when my dear friend battled breast cancer. So please know as I proceed I am by no means belittling any other of life’s gray struggles, but rather am fully aware they share a commonality--the goal of hoping, struggling and praying to avoid the dense gray fog.
Thanksgiving has come and gone and the holidays are now in full swing. It’s finally the time when I allow myself to decorate our home for the holidays. So why do I find myself wrapped in gray fog? As you know by now we are a football family and I am a coach’s wife and right now things aren’t great. Our team was supposed to be good—some even said very good, but we are struggling. Until we right our ship...this is where we are.
The irony here for me is that I actually love the color gray. You will find that gray is 45 percent of my wardrobe. The rooms in our home could complete an entire color wheel of this hue. I have at least eight different gray nail polish bottles lined up on my windowsill. I am drawn to the warmth and depth of this color, except when it covers the sun.
For me the color gray is slow and quiet. A time for thinking, pondering and contemplation. Rethinking me. Reassessing my values. Questioning why I have taken some things for granted. Wondering if I should have handled or done certain things differently. Somehow when we lose a football game, I feel that I share some of the responsibility. Could it be my actions are to blame? Was I less than my best and therefore did not deserve the happiness a win brings?
Clearly this is nuts, since I have nothing whatsoever to do with the actual outcome of any game. Could decisions I made in haste that may have unintentionally hurt others be the culprit? Or those times when I silently played judge and jury? I am ashamed to admit it, but winning does change me a bit. I not only feel a bit cocky but there is a slight air about me. It’s this false sense of confidence that goads me into taking things for granted. Winning sadly enables me to feel a bit better than the next person and move with a laissez faire attitude. This is a true flaw of mine and now seems as good a time as any to correct it.
So I shall choose to believe that “Gray” has a positive purpose for me and my life. I will try to just be. I will let saner minds prevail and not take blame nor place it. I will be kinder not just to others, but to me as well. There will be less judging and more empathy going on in my heart and mind. I will take the time to think before I even think, let alone speak. I will strive to smile more, even in defeat. In other words, I shall use this time as a tool to better my self, my mind and my heart.
Moral: “Gray” should not get the best of us, but help to better us!
your foggy friend,
A little thing I do when I am gray: I busy myself … and so this is the PERFECT time to begin the half-bath renovation. After endless hours of Pinterest pinning, trips to tile stores, stone quarries, lumber yards and hardware stores there is a gameplan. There will be one reclaimed wood wall, a brick floor and a concrete countertop...as of today! I shall take pics as we go along as long as my phone cooperates!